i seem to have grown up a lot in a very short period of time. and i seem to have a very bad split personality disorder. in school i'm think reserved person with low self esteem, and when i'm mixing with friends outside of school, i'm confident and outspoken. that also happens when i'm doing duty for cca. the thing is, i'm in school most of the time, so the confident self seems to be supressed, let out for a breather during the weekends and such.

a friend told me that i am very different in school in groups of people, and when she's talking to me alone. i agree with her. she said i should try to be less eager to please and be myself, the way i am when she speaks to me alone. i would also like to tell this very good friend of mine, you are different too, when in groups, and when i talk to you. in groups you tend to go with the flow, and sometimes say some things you don't really mean. maybe it's by this way you are able to build rapport and relate to other people as well. which is good. i would like you to be like you are when we talk, just as you would like me to be myself too. but i think the situation doesn't allow such personalities to show.

these two days have been very slow moving, and i have had no mood to actually sit down and study. this gave me time to reflect on what has happened, and what some people said. i was reflecting on the IG camp that i went to, and i found it very ironic. we can give so much encouragement and trust to people we barely know, whom we just met, and yet when we talk to our friends whom we've known for so long, we don't carry the same motivating words. for example, in camp, we would say things like, it doesn't matter that you didn't make it this time, work harder, believe in yourself, and you can do it. i'll be behind you cheering you on! and in school, with my best friends, we go i hate you. i hate stupid people. i hate your stupidity. even though all these may be in just joking terms, it still carries a negative connotation, and it brings the subconcious morale down. the genuine support you get from a friend is really the most precious thing you can get.

i feel that there are some attitudes of people i dislike very much. one is the lack of respect for other lifeforms. it could be animals; like when people think they're so great cos they have a more advanced brain than other kinds of animals, or humans. another attribute is self righteousness. i really hate that. i hate it when people think that they are like really good and have such high expectations of themselves and when things show otherwise they expect the world to pity them. that just plain sucks.

and to conclude my giant rant, to my very sexually active friend, i have a piece of advice for you. sex gets you nowhere near your goals, unless you want to do something in that line. keep improving yourself, work hard, excel in something you can call your own, and then, you have no reason to feel pressure whenever you are with us. and as i friend, i will support you. kambate!

today we got back our chinese o level results. many shed tears, most of which are disappointment, but there are some whose tears are for joy. myself? i'm not estatic about my grades. they're not very good, yet not enough to make me weep. i got a B3. satisfactory, i guess. my mum was expecting a C6. now i can shoot back at her and say that i did study, but her mentality is such that even if she sees me studying i, to her am still not studying. anyhow, i think i need to work really hard on the rest of my subjects. suddenly i find myself becoming like addie, studious.

motivation comes from within you. you must look at where you want to be, where you want to go, and focus on that, do whatever it takes to get there. focus on your outcome.

okay, that was a small thing to get myself back into the groove.

nevermind that. you know i find some people are like leeches. they will stick themselves to someone or a group of someones and suck the resources out of him or them. they seem small and harmless but in actually fact some people underestimate these leeches.

just in case some people get the wrong idea, this is not referring to sam.

a lot of times people have asked what i want in a partner. so i decided to list them out. and mind you, i'm in a very bad mood.

in no particular order:
1. christian
2. intelligent
3. really pretty eyes.
4. able to joke and be serious with me.
5. slightly overprotective.
6. show concern
7. able to speak proper english
8. able to continuously encourage me.

one might not possess all the traits mention above. i do give allowances. big allowances. but when that happens, my patience runs dry.

today was a very very very very very fun day. minimwees and bokameows! watched some amusing plays done by the sec threes. then had some prata and papadum and watched this dance girl do an indian dance then we went watch a malay thingamagig. then it was play time! we played poison ball with miss chua moofoo and some other teacher, then we played tug of war and chapteh and table tennis!

we felt like kids today, not sec fours. it's like we're back in primary one again, where everything was so facinating and exhilerating. i just felt the day ended very anti-climax. we had oral practice, and a literature lecture. yipadedoda! ms jeya is funny. she thanked me on the way out for no apparent reason. hahahaha..

today is very very very hot. sweltering. and i'm hyper.

haven't blogged for a long time. hmm. now that i am blogging i don't know what to say. mean girls : calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter.

everyone has photographic memory.


some don't have film.



sometimes i feel old, mature, and that i've grown up too quickly over a short period of time. other times i feel like i'm silly, immature and that i'll never gorw up. i wish i could say what i feel
but critcis everyone
judge.

though i don't care
and i don't weep
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
for at least
awhile.

went on a SLAM outing on friday. ate at gelare. it was hate addie day.the waiters refused to serve addie her sandwich. and someone threw a receit at her. [the receit said the person used 4@ to buy a 60cent guitar pick from yamaha.] i had yummy pasta and earl grey tea. then we went to watch mean girls. the show was alright. it was funny... another chick flick witha moral behind it. the pranks were cute though. (: addie is such a good friend (: -hugs- i love addie. :)

today was the launch of fight club! i'm in the group boobie cats with two horny boys called bo hui and xun zhou! hahahaha. had mighty lots of fun today. christopher didn't come today that fat pig him. and joshua was in malaysia with his grandmama, so he couldn't make it either. i didn't see anyone from my batch save the coaches and alicia. it's like soooooooo funky mans. even though i kinda got hurt and limp limp limp all the way around the place. my knee hurt real bad, especially when we had to run. but it's okay. i know the people who pushed me didn't have any badi ntentions, so i don't blame them.

my injured hand couldn't resist good food though. we went to magheritas to celebrate my birthday. woohoo! the food there is soooooooo yummy, i'm like, stuffed beyond stuff.

the team mates were quite... well... bad. i mean, i can understand they are from lower sec and everything, but do they have to go around pointing fingers and blaming other people? couldn't they have spent the time like, thinking up of a solution rather than finding a scapegoat to blame?

if we really worked to build this, i believe phoenix force will be just as good as any of the other teams. we aren't that big. in fact, i think we're the smallest group. so considering that, shouldn't we be like, the most united the most outgoinging ones? and also, there is a time to play, and there is a time to be serious. somehow certain guys can't get that into their thick heads. -sigh-

so anyway, i'm looking forward to the first fight club meeting, with bo hui and xun zhou, the two sec three horny guys from our wonderful team called boobie cats. woohoo!!!

we can overcome anything together guys!

it's interesting to note how many thoughts can go through my head at one time. memories flash from the past, what if's from the future, and dreams that i know will never come true. i might be going nuts, but i was wondering how it felt like to be a toaster. how would it feel to have two soft slices of bread put inside you, feel a rush of electricity surround your body, feel yourself heating up, smoking, and then cooling down again, with the bread slices warm and crips now? i did some soul searching today. i just sat down and thought about certain things that happened last year. actions have concequences. do i regret my actions? yes. and to me, regretting having done something, is better than regretting not doing it at all. at least you know you've tried.

i am lost. i am truly lost. i want to speak my mind to someone, i need to, but i can't find anyone to do so. circumstances are such that the people closest to me are those that i can't trust this information with. there are nights where i want to break down and cry just because of it. my mind and my heart are ganging up on me, playing mean mind games on me. for once, in my whole damned life can i forget how to feel? if feeling has brought me so much angst and jealousy. yes i admit i'm jealous. but that's life. sacrifice is inevitable. in order for the people you love to be happy, you have to give up what you want, your dreams, your aspirations, your goals. i fear that has what has happened to me. :(

today sucked. mostly. it started when we heard the first question of the listening being read. mucus dripped out of my nose. i couldn't concentrate on the damn paper. then after the listening we [me ade mut drag] rusehd down to animania award ceremony. the person in charge hinted in his speech that we didn't win ("the animations open our eyes to what todays kids know about current issues"), but i guess maybe my hopes were too high. depression set in when we didn't get anything not even a merit award. that depression turned into a sore throat... then a cold... then a fever. after meeting grn, ade and mut practically shoved me away. that plained hurt. it was really like, you two didn't want me anymore. you've always been complaining i spend too little time with you guys and too much with my bfs, and now when i wanna spend time with you guys you throw me away. really, for a lack of a better phrase, "what the hell?!" darling terry cheered me up quite a bit though, he knew i've been wanting a necklace for sometime and bout me one from perlini's silver. it's a circles with a dangling heart in the middle. mweee (: thanks dearie.